Top Five Signs You’re Exactly The Kind of Reactionary Religious Conservative You Swore You No Longer Were

5. You meticulously search the weekly liturgy of your mainline congregation for the places where masculine referents for God have been replaced with more gender-neutral ones.

4. You think to yourself, "Man, this hymn book is absolutely full of this dreadful, humanistic rot!"

3. A smile crosses your face as you secretly daydream about bringing the Inquisition back.

2. You wonder where the Old Testament reading has gone to and you ask yourself, "When are we ever going to say an imprecatory Psalm?"

1. You snort the communion juice out your nose upon discovering they have changed the lyrics of the Doxology to avoid saying "Father" and "Son".