Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Top Five Solutions for My Personal Care Quandary at Seminary

5. Appropriate from God the miraculous healing that the "health-and-wealth Gospel" folks say God owes me.

4. Purchase a spider monkey and train him to get me dressed and into my wheelchair, etc., etc.

3. Mail-order bride, preferably a strong, buxom gal who can easily sling me around and who likes the idea of being a preacher's wife.

2. Skip seminary, start a Reformed house church, and make Sedalia, Missouri a new enclave of the Federal Vision and the Confederation of Reformed Evangelical Churches to rival Moscow, Idaho. Eat your hearts out, Doug Wilson and Peter Leithart.

1. Find a drunken hobo, clean and sober him up, teach him not to swear, and get him to be my live-in attendant in exchange for food and shelter.

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